


You'll Come Over Right?

by kaikoko



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Canon Compliant, Hurt/Comfort, Misunderstandings, One-Sided Attraction, but not really, donghyuck just wants love, each chapter is based off a different song, kind of a song fic, marks kind of an idiot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-14
Updated: 2020-05-09
Packaged: 2021-03-01 20:00:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 17,884
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23642725
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kaikoko/pseuds/kaikoko
Summary: donghyuck always thought mark would be there to catch him when he falls. He didn’t realize mark would be the one to knock him over.(aka donghyuck believed him and mark would always be best friends. But as mark pushes him away and gets closer to yuta, he starts to change his mind.)playlist:here
Relationships: Lee Donghyuck | Haechan/Mark Lee
Comments: 92
Kudos: 516





	1. The World's Ending

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "But if the world was ending  
> You'd come over right?"  
> \- If The World Was Ending by JP Saxe

Donghyuck should be used to this by now. It wasn’t anything new. Mark always pushed him away whenever he got a little too close, but Hyuck knew that Mark didn’t really mean it. It was how their ‘relationship’ worked. Hyuck would cling to Mark until he pushed him off, and then he would give Mark some space. Ever since they first met this dynamic stayed true to their relationship. But recently Donghyuck has started to think that maybe things are starting to change. 

It's common knowledge that Mark isn’t huge on skinship. It wasn’t just Hyuck that Mark would push away. It was anyone that clung to Mark for a little too long. It wasn’t like he was never affectionate though, there were times when Mark wouldn’t push him away. Even times when Mark would be the first to reach out to be close to him. 

Recently though, Donghyuck saw Mark and Yuta get closer. Whenever Yuta would be close to Mark for a while, Donghyuck expected Mark to push him away. But Mark never did. On the other hand, Mark started to act differently around Donghyuck. He would push him away, but Hyuck felt something different when he would tell him to leave. 

It was too serious, annoyed, and he really started to feel like it wasn’t just the skinship that Mark didn’t want. Donghyuck has liked Mark since the first time he saw him, and he’s never regretted it. Even though he gets ignored and brushed off. He always had a little bit of hope that something could happen in the future. 

Donghyuck feels like maybe he’s been wasting his time. 

___

Donghyuck had watched Mark and Yuta be inseparable during their entire dance practice. The way they shared smiles in the practice mirrors, the whispers during the moments they took brakes, the fact that Mark hadn’t even spared him a glance the entire day. The whole practice Donghyuck was distracted, too many thoughts troubling his mind. _Maybe Mark’s finally had enough of you being so annoying. He hates you. Actually, you probably don’t even cross his mind._

A crash brings Donghyuck out of his thoughts. He looks around to see where the sound came from when he realizes that the sound came from him. He must’ve tripped while dancing and fell down.

“Hyuck you okay?” Jaehyun asked, coming over to help him up from the floor.

“Yeah I’m fine.” Donghyuck grabbed Jaehyun's hand and stood up from the floor, making eye contact with Mark when he stood up. Mark met his eyes, and for just a second Donghyuck thought he saw concern flash through his eyes. But that’s over before Donghyuck knows it as Yuta goes over and steals Mark’s attention. Even in a situation like this, Yuta gets his attention.

“Are you sure? You’re kinda crying.” Donghyuck hadn’t even realized that he had started crying. He didn’t know whether it was his fall or his interrupted thoughts that made him cry. He didn’t really want to know. Donghyuck took his sleeve, wiping the tears away.

“Yeah, don’t worry about me.” He tried to give them his best smile, moving back into his formation, waiting for the music to start playing again.

“I think we’ve practiced enough for today, we should probably head back now.” Johnny said while glancing up at the clock. Donghyuck was thankful Johnny said something, as it was a little past 2 am, and everyone was getting tired. That and Donghyuck couldn’t seem to stop crying.

__

When they got back to the dorms and everyone started to go to sleep, he hesitantly made his way towards Mark's room. When they were trainees, whenever they got yelled at or messed up during a class, they would go to each other's room and stay the night. Donghyuck was more commonly the one who used to go to Mark’s room, but Donghyuck remembers those few times when Mark had a hard time, hearing the door open and feeling Mark's weight pressing into the mattress. 

It had been years since they last stayed in each other’s room though. Mark was always busy practicing, with SuperM, or with Yuta. Donghyuck also had other schedules with the dreamies, and he likes to think that’s the reason why him and Mark aren’t like how they used to be. 

Donghyuck approached Mark's door, suddenly feeling self conscious. What if Mark tells him to go away? Donghyuck really doesn’t think he could take that right now. He just wants Mark to let him stay the night. He doesn’t even need to talk to him, just let him in. A way to let him think that things are okay between them. 

He knocked on Mark's door. He waited a moment for a response, but nothing came.  _ Maybe he went to sleep already? _ Knowing Mark that was highly unlikely. Mark was a total night owl, staying up until 4 am, and not waking up until at least noon. Donghyuck decided to open the door, not really thinking that Mark would care. 

Donghyuck can feel his heart drop. Laying on the bed was Mark and Yuta, cuddling. Mark never cuddled, even when they used to go to each other's rooms, even when Donghyuck would cry when he felt overwhelmed with life, even though Donghyuck was stupidly in love with Mark. At least not anymore. 

He misses the times when Mark would treat him like he was treating Yuta right now, not afraid to show affection back. What makes him angry is that Mark always pushed him away in front of cameras, like he’s embarrassed by him.  _ Why isn’t he like that with Yuta? What’s so different with me?  _

He wished that he could understand Mark, he wished that Mark could just tell him why he was treated this way. Looking at this now Donghyuck wants to be angry, he wants to walk up to Mark and yell at him for being the worst best friend on the planet. The most oblivious, stupid, emotionally constipated nerd to ever exist.

But all he can think is  _ Mark looks really happy.  _ After everything that has happened Donghyuck finally thinks  _ this is it.  _ He’s not sure what he’s referring to, but he knows that whatever this feeling is, he wants it to stop.

“Donghyuck.”

  
The sound of Mark's voice brings reality crashing down on him. I _ should really leave. _ Donghyuck mutters out an apology and starts to take a couple steps back. He sees Mark hesitate to get up, almost pushing Yuta away. Almost **.** Donghyuck closes the door before he can stand there like an idiot any longer. He walks back to his shared room with Johnny, softly opening the door not to wake him up. Once the door closes he feels his back press against the cold, hard surface. Donghyuck feels tears start to build up in his eyes, as his back slides down the door. He tries to be quiet, but his shaky breathing feels so loud in the silence. 

**“I know, you know, we know”**

Donghyuck finally feels that after years of wondering if Mark would ever feel the same way about him, he has his answer. All the false hope and excitement when Mark wouldn’t push him away. God he's so stupid for believing that Mark would like him back.

For a while, he was sure that Mark liked him back. He would never push him away, letting him mess with his hair, hold his hand, or just be next to him. Even in front of the cameras. But that ended almost as soon as it started, Mark starting to distance himself further and further. 

At least now he knows it was all in his head. 

**“You weren't down for forever and it's fine”**

“He’s my best friend.” Words that Mark used to say. Donghyuck used to believe that. If there’s one thing that he's learned throughout the years, it's that nothing really lasts forever. One day it’ll end, and the concept of forever is just a false security. It doesn’t prepare you for when things really do end, and you’re left with nothing. But maybe it’s his fault for wanting more than he could have.

**“I know, you know, we know”**

What hurts Donghyuck the most is that he knows that in one way or another, Mark knew about how he felt about him. Mark is pretty oblivious, but there's no way that he didn’t notice the way that Donghyuck clung to him way more than the others, that he was hurt more when Mark pushed him away than the others, Mark knew that he was different. And maybe if Donghyuck had accepted that Mark knew, and didn’t do anything about it, he could’ve given up a long time ago.

**"We weren't meant for each other and it's fine"**

Jaemin was the only one that Donghyuck had trusted enough to tell about his feelings towards Mark to. Every time Mark pushed him away too hard, or said something with a little too much bite to be a joke, Donghyuck would go to Jaemin. Each time Jaemin would tell him the same thing. ‘You should do something about it before you get hurt, Mark’s just going to hurt you.’ Donghyuck always told him that he wouldn’t get hurt, that Mark would never hurt him.

He really hated that Jaemin was right.

" **But if the world was ending"**

Donghyuck got up from sitting on the floor and carefully climbed into his bed. He already knew that he wouldn’t be getting any sleep that night. Even under his covers everything felt so cold.

**"You'd come over right, You'd come over and you'd stay the night"**

He wishes he was still 16. He wishes he could go to Mark’s room without hearing Mark sigh, without Mark turning so Donghyuck would be facing his back, without Mark wanting him to leave.

**"Would you love me for the hell of it, all our fears would be irrelevant"**

Sometimes Donghyuck wonders what would’ve happened if he had told Mark about his feelings towards him. There were moments where Donghyuck was so close to confessing his feelings. Maybe he should’ve done it when he had the chance.

(Donghyuck felt a light tap on his shoulders. It felt as if he had just closed his eyes and already had to wake up. He was expecting to see Doyoung, telling him to get up for their practice, but instead was met with soft brown eyes that were too cute to be Doyoung's eyes.

“Mark?”

“Donghyuck get up! Look outside.”

He sat up in his bed looking out the window to see white snowflakes falling behind the black night sky. Mark was always obsessed with snow, and anytime it started snowing he would always make sure Donghyuck was awake to see it. Donghyuck thinks it reminds Mark of his hometown in Canada. 

“Did you seriously wake me up to look at the snow falling?” Donghyuck rolled his eyes, about to lay back down and get more sleep when he felt Mark grab his wrist, dragging him out of his bed.

“Come with me, I’ll buy you hot chocolate.”

And that’s how they ended up with two cups of hot chocolate, sitting on a park playground near their dorm. And when Mark grabs his hand because ‘it's too cold but my hot chocolate is too hot’, Donghyuck feels three words threatening to tumble out of his mouth. He takes a long sip of hot chocolate, swallowing the words before he could say anything he could regret.)

**"If the world was ending you'd come over right?"**

Maybe he can get over his feelings and finally let go. Maybe they can go back to being best friends. Maybe they can go back to having secret sleepovers, go back to sharing lame inside jokes and laughing for too long, go back to sneaking out at night to get snacks they weren’t supposed to be eating, go back to Donghyuck's affection meant just for Mark. Maybe they can go back to normal.

**"Right?"**

Wrong.

He hears a knock at his door.

He pretends not to hear it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wanted this to end well for them but I'm a sucker for angst. though I might add another chapter to this so that Mark can fix his mistake and it can have a happy ending... :)


	2. Gotta Get Away

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "They told me that the end is near  
> We gotta get away from here"  
> -Sign of the Times by Harry Styles

“Knock Knock”

Donghyuck really wishes that the ground would swallow him up right now. He almost wanted to go open it just to tell whoever it was to leave before he threw the nearest object at them. But he doesn’t since he doesn’t want anyone to see him crying. And the closest thing to him is his laptop and he couldn’t deal with losing two of the things he loved most in one night. It was probably just Jungwoo seeing if anyone was awake so he could force them to indulge in his 3 am snacking habits with him. Maybe if he pretends he can’t hear it, it’ll just go away. 

But what he didn’t expect was Mark's voice whispering out a small ‘Hyuck’ on the other side of the door. Donghyuck, surprised at the voice, quickly brought his hand up to wipe away the tears that were still falling. Worried he would open the door and come in, he held his breath and tried to look like he was sleeping. 

And he must know Mark too well since he hears the door open, and quiet footsteps approach his bed way faster than he had time to prepare for. He feels his heartbeat pick up speed, the noise pounding in his ears. He felt confused as to why Mark was here. _Did he hear me crying? Does he know that it’s his fault? Does he care?_

But then Donghyuck feels angry. Why would Mark even come in here when he was so busy with Yuta. The past year they spent way less time with each other, Mark always busy with something else, never making time for him. So why now? Did Mark feel bad for Donghyuck, pity him? That isn’t what Hyuck wants, he wants Mark to know how it feels. 

But that anger quickly dissipates when he feels Mark brush his hair out of his supposedly sleeping face, and turns into sadness again. It felt way too intimate, it all just felt like too much. 

He wonders if Mark knows what he’s doing. If he knows how much these little gestures really mean to Donghyuck. It had been months since Mark showed Donghyuck affection like this, and he started to wonder where it all went wrong. 

Maybe it was after their notorious summer fight that they will never be able to live down, maybe it was the way Mark found him so annoying, maybe it was the fact that Mark was too used to him coming back no matter what he did or how hard he pushed him away. He felt the tears well up in his eyes, even with them closed.

( _Donghyuck was in a really good mood. They were doing a vlive with the dreamies, who he missed more than he would let them know. During times he promotes with 127, he never gets to see them. While his 127 members were his family and he loved them all, it was different with dream. Maybe it was that they were all around the same age and he felt like they understood him. Or maybe it’s because he was allowed to be himself with them, not having to try and act like he’s not just a kid._

_He’s sat on the ground next to Mark, and even though he can see the discomfort in Mark's eyes, he pretends that he’s not the cause. And sure, maybe Dongyuck was being a little too clingy, and maybe it’s his fault that he didn’t listen to Mark the first time he told him to stop. But when Hyucks arm subconsciously wraps around Mark, and he feels a strong push, he thinks for the first time that Mark_ **_really_ ** _shouldn’t have done that._

_The next thing he knows his entire right side hits the floor. It’s not strong enough to really hurt him, but the way his heart feels says otherwise. The rest of the vlive he laughs it off. He has to, because he’s Haechan, he's fullsun._

_But people forget that the sun isn’t always shining. They forget that sometimes clouds cover up the sun and it can’t dry up all the rain. They forget that the sun sets, and everything gets dark, cold, and quiet. They don’t know that’s exactly how he feels._

_He knows Mark is aware he made a mistake when he sees his phone screen light up later that night._

  
  


**_Canada Lee_ **

_2:08_

come over?

  
  


_When Hyuck goes to Mark's room, he’s already sleeping when he opens the door. He still moved Mark over a little and climbed into his bed. He feels Mark stir a little, throwing his arm over Hyuck. It should be comforting, but it almost feels like a trap he couldn’t escape from. Like something’s keeping him from moving. It felt suffocating._

_He started up at the ceiling, feeling more awake with each passing moment. This should be what he wanted. Mark would never do something like this when they were awake. He should be feeling happy that he’s finally getting a little bit of what he wanted. So why does his chest hurt and why is it so hard to breathe?_

_He doesn’t sleep that night, watching the black sky turn into warm pink and yellow. That’s the thing Donghyuck forgot about the sun; Even though the sun may set, it will always rise._

_He lifts Mark's arm, sneaking out of his room so he wouldn’t be there when Mark woke up. Returning to his room, he gets in his bed and tries to go to sleep. Except he can’t get the feeling of Mark pressed against his side, and his arm wrapped around his waist._

_That was the last time Donhyuck stayed over.)_

He feels a tear run down his cheek and prays that it’s too dark for Mark to see. 

But life never really works out in his favor and he feels Marks hand cup his jaw, moving his thumb to wipe the tear off his cheek. Mark’s actions just cause Hyuck to cry even harder, a seemingly endless stream of tears falling from his eyes. _Why can’t Mark just leave already_? 

He hears Mark take in a shaky breath, breaking the silence and stillness of the room. He releases a sigh, letting go of Huck's face. He would be lying if he said that he wasn’t disappointed by the action, the faint feeling of Mark’s hand still lingering on his cheek.

“I’m sorry,” Mark whispered, almost too quietly to hear. The footsteps move towards the door, getting quieter until he hears the door close with a soft click. 

Donghyuck is so confused. 

__

He woke up that morning with puffy, bloodshot eyes, not nearly had gotten enough sleep. And Mark obviously doesn’t talk to Hyuck about what happened. He kind of wishes that he would, as Hyuck has never been this confused about him and Mark. They always had the same dynamic, Mark pushes him away, Donghyuck gives him space and will eventually come back. 

But Mark broke their system, and now he didn’t know what would happen next. Would Mark ever come talk to him? Would it have to be Donghyuck who fixes things between them, like always? Or would Mark finally get over himself and admit he messed up?

It was already 1:00 pm and he could hear his stomach protesting the lack of food, so Donghyuck ignores the urge to go back to sleep, and ventures out of his room. Making his way to the kitchen, he sees some fried rice that someone made for the group earlier on the stove, and takes a bowl. He’s about to go sit on the couch and eat it when he finds it's already occupied.

Not with just anyone. But with Yua. And Mark. Sitting a little too close for what Donghyuck wanted to see. Yuta’s hand in Mark’s hair, ruffling it up a little. It should be an innocent gesture, from someone older to younger, but it feels like he’s looking at something not meant for him to see, and after last night it just felt wrong. He feels nauseous. Donghyuck vision starts to get blurry with tears, something that’s happened too much in the past day. He really wishes he would stop crying. 

But his thoughts are interrupted when his bowl of fried rice slips out of his hands, glass shattering as it hits the floor. Yuta and Mark look up at Donghyuck, both of them about to stand up and come help him clean it up. 

“Are you okay Hyuck?” He’s surprised when he realizes it’s Yuta who says it, almost disappointed it wasn’t Mark. 

“Don’t move, you’ll step on glass.”

He knew that he should probably listen to Yuta, but the same words kept running through his brain. I _gotta get away, I gotta get away, I gotta get away._

He was never good at following directions anyway. 

__

Donghyuck ends up at the dream dorm. Not a rare occurrence, but definitely not a common one either. Whenever he feels overwhelmed with 127 promotions, or more specifically Mark, he would stay with the dream until he felt better. 

When he opens the door and walks into the dorm, he sees Jaemin, Jeno, and Renjun all on the couch watching some new drama. That is until they finally notice him when he closes the door, moving their attention from the TV screen to Donghyuck. 

They must notice the way he’s still sniffling, or the way his eyes give away he’s been crying because the next thing he knows Jaemin is hugging him and Renjun is asking what happened. So Donghyuck sat down on the couch, Jaemin still wrapped around his side and explained the whole situation. 

“HE DID WHAT”

It isn’t strange to see Renjun mad, but even though he wasn’t the one Renjun was mad at, he’s still kind of scared. Jeno looks mad too, and Jaemin just hugs him a little harder. 

“I really don’t want to go back. I don’t think I can face any of them right now.”

“Why don’t you just stay here? You’ve done it before.” Jeno suggests, and Hyuck thinks that it's probably his best option.

Everyone senses Hyuck doesn’t want to continue talking about it, so they go back to watching TV. He can finally breathe and for a while, forgetting about his situation with Mark. And when the others start laughing at a joke in the show they’re watching, for the first time in a while Hyuck laughs with them. 

( _He doesn’t see his phone light up for the 4th time that hour, and the notification ‘_ **_10 missed calls from Canada Lee’_ ** _pop up on the screen)_

__

As it gets late, Jaemin tells Huck that he can sleep in his room that night. But Donghyuck told them that he would rather be alone, offering to sleep on the couch. But Jeno told him he would stay with Renjun and that Donghyuck could have his room, which Jeno had to himself. 

He climbed into the bed, still wearing his outfit from earlier today, but he was too tired to really mind. He’s about to drift off to sleep when he sees something fall from his window. Soft, white snowflakes start filling up his view of the glass. 

He used to hate the snow, it was too cold, delayed flights, caused car accidents, and in general was just problematic. But ever since he met Mark, he started to think that the snow wasn’t all that bad. 

Looking at the snow now brings back all the happy memories of him and Mark. The sneaking out for hot chocolate, the snowball fights, laying in the grass as they watched the snow fall around them. 

Donghyuck used to hate the snow, but not really anymore. So maybe that’s why he pulls the blankets off and gets out of bed. He walks over to the closet, pulling out the clothes he leaves there for when he stays sometimes. He hasn’t stayed at the dream dorm for a while, so he isn’t surprised when he sees two black tee shirts, a pair of sweatpants, and an old hoodie of Marks he stole. And donghyuck is weak so you can’t really blame him when he grabs Mark’s old hoodie and throws it over his head. He grabs his long padded coat and puts it on, leaving the room as he makes his way towards the door to go outside. 

**“We don't talk enough, we should open up”**

Even with his layers, the cold unwelcomely makes Donghyuck shiver. He wonders what he’s even doing. It's 2 am and he should be sleeping in a warm bed. But here he is, outside in the freezing snow, not even sure where he’s going. 

  
  


**“Before it's all too much, will we ever learn?”**

The streets of Seoul are quiet, most things already closed for the night. Some people were still walking around and going to cafes, while the majority looked like they were going home. Sometimes Hyuck wishes that it wasn’t like that, sometimes he wishes that Seoul was also a city that never sleeps. The eerie quietness of 2 am compared to the noisy bustling during the day just made him feel lonely, especially in a moment like this. 

But other times he appreciated the quiet, empty streets. It was relaxing, and made everything else happening seem a little less important. At a time like this, you can appreciate the little things more. The street lights flickering, displaying the snow like a game of hide and seek, the sound cars make as they pass by, the squeak your shoes make when you step over the freshly fallen snow. It was almost like a distraction. So many little things you never noticed before stirring in your thoughts. 

Like there's so much to think about it’s almost like you’re not thinking at all. 

  
  


**“We've been here before”**

Donghyuck lets his feet carry him, already having an idea as to where they will take him. And when he recognizes the pathway and the sign that reads ‘ _Dosan Park,’_ he’s not surprised. This is the park that Mark would always drag him to when it starts snowing, mostly because it was close to where their dorm is. But it later grew to be a place for both of them to get away from all the stress of life. It’s where they both went to watch the snow, when they were upset, or when they just wanted to be alone.

**“It's just what we know”**

He walks over to the small, run-down playground, and sits on one of the swings. The swing is old and makes a soft creak when he shifts his weight, but he doesn’t mind. Everything looks so calm, everything still except for the falling snow and occasional car driving by. And all the memories come flooding back, no matter how hard he tries to hold them back.

( _The first time Mark drags him to the park in the snow, Mark starts crying because he misses his family. Donghyuck isn’t really good at comforting people, but he has an idea of how he can make Mark feel a little better._

_“Wait here, I’ll be back”_

_He stands up to leave, but feels a hand on his wrist, gently tugging his arm back. He turns around to look at Mark, who has tears running down his face and a runny nose, due to crying and the cold weather. He thinks he should find that pretty gross, but really he just finds it cute._

_“I’ll be back I promise.”_

_He feels Mark let go of his wrist, bringing his hand up to wipe his tears off. Donhyuck takes this as his cue to leave, hurriedly walking across the road and down the street. When he returns to the park, he has two cups in his hands, looking for Mark so he can give him his hot chocolate._

_Mark isn’t where he left him though, the picnic table they were previously sitting at empty. Hyuck starts to worry that Mark left without him, but after a look around, he sees Mark laying in the snow, looking towards the sky. He makes his way over to Mark, laying down in the snow next to him._

_“I bought you hot chocolate.”_

_He sees Mark turn his head towards him, taking the cup from Hyuck, muttering a quiet ‘thanks’. They drink their hot chocolate in a comfortable silence until he hears Mark sigh._

_“You know, sometimes I wonder what my life would look like if I never left Canada.”_

_Hyuck looked towards Mark with a questioning glance. Mark always told him that ‘what ifs’ are pointless to think about since you can’t go back and change time. That it wastes time to dwell on what you could’ve done, and you should focus on what you can be doing right now. But he lets Mark continue anyways._

_“I wonder what it would be like if I finished high school with all my old friends, what college I would go to, what job I would get. Would I be as happy as I am right now? Would I be happier? I wonder what my friends think about me now. I wonder if my parents realize how much I miss them, even though I don’t call them sometimes. But then I think about all that I have now. I think about all the experiences I had, the music I've written, people I’ve met. I know I don’t tell you this all the time, but I’m really glad I met you. I think it makes this all worth it.”_

_Even though it was below freezing, Donghyuck felt oddly warm.)_

**“Stop your crying, baby,”**

The memory brings a smile to Donghyuck’s face while he stands up from the swing set, and walks over to the grass. He lays down in the snow, the cold sending shivers through his entire body. _Maybe if I lay down in the snow like I did back then, I’ll open my eyes and be there again._

He knows it’s not a rational thought, but the tired, 2:00 am, sleep deprived brain of his really wants to believe it. 

**“It's a sign of the times”**

If people think he’s the sun, then Mark should be the moon. The light in the darkness, casting a low radiance of light in the sky, making everything feel a little less lonely. But the moon is also mysterious, always hiding its dark side from the world. But the sun sees both sides of the moon, and Donghyuck laughs, this metaphor being too close to the truth. 

Because Mark does have two sides, just like the moon. The side that the moon hides from the world, the side Mark hides. When it’s them together, the connection he feels when it's just the two of them, the happiness. And then the side that they show the rest of the world. The pushing away, the bruising off, hugging other people, holding Yutas hand. And just like the sun still sees the moon even when it sets, Donghyuck doesn’t really have a choice.

_( But Donghyuck forgot one thing. The moon needs the sun to shine.)_

**“We gotta get away from here”**

Donghyuck’s head hurts. He needs to stop thinking. He wants to just lay there, fall asleep in the snow and not have to go back to the colder reality of life. But the sun can’t just fall out of the sky, so Donghyuck can’t let himself either. 

And just when he’s about to get up, he hears a soft crunching of the snow. The crunching gets louder until it stops, the sound of someone laying down next to him taking its place. He can’t tell if the person is so close he can feel their body heat, or if he’s hallucinating. But he doesn’t really want to open his eyes to check, enjoying the feeling of the cold snowflakes melting on his face. 

He doesn’t really need to anyways, he already knows what he'll see. 

  
  


**_“We gotta get away”_ **

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Donghyuck feels like he’s fallen into a trap. And maybe it's the feeling of the snow, or the warmth of the person next to him, but he can’t really bring himself to care. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry about the lowkey cliff hanger  
>    
> anywho, I hope you guys enjoyed it!! This chapter ended up being way longer than I expected it to. I wasn't originally planning to write another chapter, but the next thing I knew I had already written like 3k. I plan to finish the story since its really unsatisfying to end it here lol. and I've been using this as a distraction from the earthquake aftershocks I've been feeling... 
> 
> But hope you guys enjoyed this and didn’t cry like I did while writing this :))


	3. Finally Falling

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "And I get the feeling that you'll never need me again"  
> \- Falling by Harry Styles
> 
> It’s finally time for Marks pov :’(

**“I'm in my bed”**

A loud sound echoed through the entire dorm, the sound of glass shattering into tiny pieces all over the floor. Him and Yuta looked up to see Donghyuck, and Mark felt his heart plummet what felt off a 3 story building. He looked so sad, avoiding eye contact from both of them. He looked like he wanted nothing more but to leave. 

**“And you're not here”**

Mark didn’t expect that it’s exactly what he was going to do next. He had bolted out the door, seemingly not even caring about the glass he could step on. Mark felt confused. Was he okay? Why was he running away? Why was he so sad? 

Mark felt confused, but in the back of his mind he heard a tiny little voice telling him that he’s the reason. And Mark wishes the tiny voice would shut up, because Mark has diverted these thoughts for the past couple of months to avoid something like this happening. 

**“And there's no one to blame but the drink in my wandering hands”**

He thought that if he treated Donghyuck like everyone else, if he treated them all the same, then he would realize that he felt the same about all of them. That his feelings weren’t spiraling out of control, just waiting to mess everything up for everyone. 

**“Forget what I said, It's not what I meant.”**

And Mark wants to run after him, to tell him to come back. That he’ll change and stop avoiding what both of them knew was going on, but didn’t want to acknowledge. But old habits die hard. And Mark keeps running away, he keeps hurting everyone around him, he keeps saying the wrong things, doing the wrong things, and making everything worse. 

Every time he wants to go say something to Donghyuck, hug him back, hold his hand, or anything like how they used to, he can’t. He’s too scared, too weak, too worried that anything he says will mess up their relationship forever. 

**“And I can't take it back”**

He thought that not talking about it would mean that eventually, it would go away. Somehow things would go back to the way that they once were. 

**“I can't unpack the baggage you left”**

Because now things are actually going to change. And Mark knows himself, he won’t be able to fix it. Donghyuck is what he usually runs away from, trying to avoid everything. But Mark always comes back, they pretend nothing happened until Mark runs away again. But this time Hyuck is the one that’s running away from him. 

Now Mark can’t do what he’s always done, he can’t run away. Because he knows that they are two people running around the world in opposite directions.

Eventually, they’ll end up right back where they started. 

**What am I now? What am I now?**

_God, I’m really an idiot aren’t I._ He let his best friend fall in love with him, part of him knowing the entire time that he should stop him before it hurt them both. Because the reality of it was that it scared Mark. Scared him way more than coming to Korea and starting a whole life.

And maybe that’s because Donghyuck felt like a whole new world. 

**“What if I'm someone I don't want around?”**

Mark was always a little jealous of Hyuck. He was so confident, so sure of his feelings, while Mark always felt like he was in quicksand, and the more he struggled the faster he’d fall. 

**“I'm falling again, I'm falling again, I'm falling.”**

Once he saw Donghyuck drop his bowl, crying while running out of their dorm, his heart felt like the glass shattered in a million tiny pieces on the floor. And Mark wasn’t brave enough to run after him. It would’ve been so easy, just to grab his wrist, to tell him to stop. But Mark just watched him go, watched him leave. 

**“What if I'm down? What if I'm out?”**

_What if it’s too late?_ What if he can’t figure a way out of the hole he dug for himself? 

Mark always told Hyuck that what ifs are pointless, they’re unproductive and don’t solve anything. He knows he should focus on how to fix things, what he should do, but all the what if’s won't leave his mind. _What if he hates me now? What if I can’t make up for all the things I’ve done? What if he leaves? What if he runs away and never comes back?_

**“What if I'm someone you won't talk about?”**

These thoughts scare Mark the most. It feels like he’s watching his whole world fall around him. It feels like he should be picking up the pieces, trying to put them back. But instead, he watches as everything breaks around him, waiting until everything's gone and there's nothing left. 

**“I'm falling again, I'm falling again, I'm falling.”**

And just when he wants to start and pick up the pieces, it’s too late. Because the ground has collapsed under his feet and there’s nothing left to hold on to. All he can do is let himself fall. 

**“And I get the feeling that you'll never need me again**.”

And he doesn’ know where he’ll land. 

_I'm falling again, I'm falling again, I'm falling_

____

After Hyuck runs away, Mark waits for him to come back. He waits and waits and waits. But he never comes back. Before he knows it it’s dark outside, the clock already ticking past midnight. He knows that he’s probably with dream, but part of him had really hoped that he would’ve come back. He texts Jeno just to check and make sure Hyuck actually went to the dream dorm and isn’t off somewhere without anyone knowing. 

_12:13 am_

did hyuck go over there earlier?

_12:14 am_

yeah.

_12:14_

was he okay?

_12:16_

not really

hes fine now tho

mark u really need to fix this

Relief washes over him, glad Huyck's not off on his own. He wonders what Hyuck told the dreamies. He knows the way Jeno usually texts, and this isn't it. It almost sounds like he’s mad? Disappointed maybe? Maybe he’s just reading into things too much. It’s already getting late, and he figures that he should probably go to bed. 

But he knows that he won’t be able to sleep, too busy thinking about all the things he wishes he could go back and change. He hopes Donghyuck hates him, and Mark wouldn’t blame him for it, because Mark kind of hates himself right now. He wishes that he would’ve been a little braver. He wishes that he could be brave now. 

Not feeling tired at all, he leaves the dorm, making sure not to wake anyone up. He really doesn’t want to explain where he's going and why right now. He starts to wonder where he should go, even though he already knows where he wants to. The place that reminded him of home, and Hyuck, which really aren't that different. 

But it doesn’t really feel right to go to the park. _Their_ park. It’s like going to the one place that reminds you of what you want to forget the most. But it’s probably the only place that would make him feel a little better. So he walks down the path he’s walked countless times.

He gets lost in his thoughts on the way, a 10 minute walk turning into an hour. Mark knows that Jeno is right, he should fix things, even if he doesn’t deserve it. But it’s not really about him is it? He’s tired of hurting and tired of hurting Donghyuck. He wants to fix things, to apologize, he just doesn’t know how. He just needs to clear his mind and think about how he’s going to make this better. 

Only he doesn’t get time to think because laying on the field in the park is the only person Mark wants to avoid right now. Donghyuck, lying face up in the snow, eyes closed, looking peaceful as ever. Mark could stand there and watch him all night. But that’s way too creepy and someone would probably call the cops about a guy staring at a body lying in the snow at 2:00 am in a park. 

_I really shouldn’t be here. He won’t want to see me._ He turns around to leave, but his feet won’t move. _Do I really want to leave?_ He turns back around and decides that he's really tired of running away. He walks quietly over to where Hyuck is lying in the snow, hesitating before laying down next to him, his heartbeat not fitting in with the calm snowflakes falling around the two of them. 

He wonders if Donghyuck heard him laying down next to him, if he even knows he's here. He probably does, he's probably waiting for Mark to leave. He must know that Mark wouldn’t leave him here laying in the snow by himself, as he sighs before asking Mark a question.

“What are you doing here Mark?” It's spoken barely above a whisper, but the sound pierces through the void of silence that once surrounded them. 

He doesn’t like that Hyuck sounds so tired, like Mark just laying down next to him is exhausting. But Mark can understand since his tired mind can’t seem to come up with a good reason as to why he’s there. 

“What are _you_ doing here?”

He really wants to ask if he’s okay, if he’s doing alright, what he’s doing here so late. He feels the guilt pit in his stomach because he already knows the answer to his question. He knows it’s his fault they're both here in laying in the freezing snow. But of course, Mark can never say the right thing and just ends up sounding defensive. 

Hyuck just sighs.

“Mark”

Mark takes his eyes away from the stars and turns to look at Donghyuck. The two aren’t that different anyway. He thinks about what he wants to say, not wanting to say something stupid again. He doesn’t want to tell him that all he could think about was him, and that he came here to forget about all the things he was trying to avoid, but instead found just that. 

“I just needed to breathe for a second.” He hears hyuck hum in agreement. He knows it's a lame excuse. They both know it’s not the real reason both of them are there. 

Silence washes over them, and there's a tension they both feel, but neither really wants to talk about. Mark knows that he messed this up between them, and he has his chance to apologize. He is just scared since he usually says the wrong things and makes things worse. Not to mention it’s past two am now and he’s not really thinking straight. 

“Aren’t you staying with dream? You shouldn’t be out here this late at night. You should go back.”

“And what about you? If Johnny knew we were both out here we would never hear the end of it.” Mark knows that they could continue talking like this if he wanted to, avoiding the questions both of them actually wanted to ask. But he’s _so tired_ of dancing around each other. They were going to have to deal with this at some point.

“I meant what I said.” 

“What?”

“I’m sorry.” He was so sorry and he wanted Hyuck to forgive him so badly. But he knows that he screwed up too much, that it's too late. _I guess it's better to say it now before I'd get too scared and never say it._

“For what?” The question took Mark by surprise. What was he sorry for? He was sorry for everything, the term felt too indifferent, but it was exactly what he thought. He was sorry for hurting him, for making him cry, for ruining their friendship.

“I’m sorry for hurting you, for making things weird between us.” He hears Donghyuck take in a deep breath. It’s the first time that they’re really talking about what’s happened between them. He’s avoided this conversation for so long, _too long_ , scared of how the conversation would play out. 

“It’s been years Mark, _years._ Things have been weird between us for so long, so why are you apologizing now?” Mark knows that he's messed up, that he waited too long. But why can’t Hyuck see that he’s trying? Does he know how hard this is for him? How he wanted to do this so long ago but couldn’t? 

He’s finally trying to make this right. To apologize. If not now, then never? Shouldn’t he at least accept that he’s _finally_ trying? Shouldn’t that mean something? Mark feels his anger rising, trying to calm down. He knows that getting angry would only make this so much worse.

“Does it really matter? I’m apologizing now, shouldn’t that count for something?” Apparently not as Donghyuck turns to look at him, anger building in his eyes. It comes out with more bite then he wanted it to, regret instantly pooling in his stomach. _Man I really always say the wrong thing huh._

“Does any of this really matter? Nothing lasts forever anyway. One day in the future we’ll have our own lives, we won't be forced to see each other, live with each other, be friends. If one day it’s all going to end, what does it matter?” Hyuck lets out a bitter laugh. This is what Mark was so afraid of. 

Is that really what he thinks? That their relationship is so… _forced_? That one day he won’t want to see Mark? That he doesn’t want to stay in Mark’s life? That he would leave so easily? Mark tries not to let it show how much he wants to cry. He hopes that Hyuck is saying this all out of spite, he wouldn’t blame him. He deserves it. He just really hopes it’s all a lie. 

“Hyuck that’s not what I meant.”

_I meant that it’ll never change anything. That it doesn’t matter because I’d choose you over anyone. But you make me too nervous. When I’m around you it’s like everything stops working and my lungs forget to breathe. It’s terrifying._

The thought of losing that, of losing him, scares him much more than the way his heartbeat speeds up whenever he's around. And he wants to tell him that, to tell him the truth. But for some reason, the words just can’t leave his mouth. 

“I don’t want this to break our friendship”

“What even is _this_ Mark? Do you even know the real reason why I’m upset? I knew you were oblivious, but at this point, you’re either pretending you don’t or you just don’t care. You said you don’t want to break our friendship, but you can’t break what’s already broken.”

Donghyuck stands up, brushes the snow off of himself, turns around and walks away. Leaving Mark laying on the ground in the freezing snow, looking like an idiot at 3 in the morning. He wants to stand up and chase after him, telling him how sorry he is, how much he screwed up, how he’ll do anything to take him back.

But Donghyuk's words are still ringing in his ears, the weight they carry behind them pressing into his heart. _“I knew you were oblivious, but at this point you’re either pretending you don’t or you just don’t care.”_ He knows that running after Hyuck isn't the right thing to do right now. He doesn’t deserve to. They’re also both tired, and Mark knows if he continued to try and fix things, it would only make them worse.

But he does care about their friendship, it's one of the most important things in his life. And he did realize that they were drifting apart, and maybe it is his fault since he let it happen. But doesn’t want to lose Hyuck. He can’t.

But everything he’s done has already happened, he can’t go back and change it. He wishes he could change what he did, force himself to face his fears. He wishes he could’ve just told Hyuck how he felt, instead of running away like he always did.

But he did. And Mark has never been good at directions, so he always runs away in the worst possible direction. Of course he doesn’t feel the same way about Hyuck as he does with Yuta. Yuta became one of his closest friends, always being there for him when things got too much. 

He wishes that he could’ve been like that with Hyuck, but he was one of the reasons that Mark got overwhelmed sometimes. He had feelings for his best friend and didn’t know what to do about it. 

Running away just seemed like the option that resulted in the least conflict. That way if he ignored it, maybe it would go away. If he had another best friend, he would realize his feelings are normal, that he’s not going to mess things up. 

But Hyuck was always special and Mark always knew that. He just didn’t want to accept it. He wasn’t ready to deal with what it all meant, to risk so much on something that he was so unsure of. He was always told that Hyuck liked _liked_ him, but he was never 100% sure. When Hyuck would latch on to someone else, he would convince himself that Hyuck was like this to everyone. That Mark wasn’t special. 

He even asked Johnny about the whole situation once, something he made Johnny promise never to mention again. 

( _“What do I do man?”_

_“Do you love him? Would you want to risk all the consequences if it meant that you could be together?” Mark had to take some time to really consider. A relationship in the group would change everything, it would make things difficult for everyone. What if they slip up in public? What if people at the company don’t agree. Mark just thinks it would make everything so complicated._

_“I really don’t know…”_

_“I think you should figure that out first. Before you make a decision think about what you want the most.” Mark knew that Johnny was right, he needed to know if this was something that he really wanted. If the unknown and uncertainty of everything would be worth telling Hyuck the truth._

_Mark wasn’t so sure back then._

  
  


_But he’s is now. )_

His eyes start to burn, the unfamiliar feeling of tears in his eyes. Mark was never one to cry, it made him feel too weak, vulnerable, like he did something wrong. All those things are exactly what he feels like. But Mark hates it more when other people cry. He hates when the sobs grow loud enough for him to hear, almost like they're trying to make him feel a little bit of their pain. He hates the movie scenes when the actors would yell, crying so hard that it would bring even the audience to tears.

And while crying like that is heartbreaking, it's not the most painful. Because the most painful type of crying is when it's silent. When you’re so overwhelmed with feelings to the point that it’s numb. When you want to scream and cry but nothing comes out. Instead, your shoulders just shake and your lungs can’t get enough air. It is the most painful because it means that you’re keeping it all in, like a ticking bomb waiting to detonate. 

Mark can already hear the bomb ticking.

It’s just a matter of time before it explodes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Will Mark find a way to fix things? Will Hyuck give him a chance to explain himself? Does Mark deserve a second chance?   
> my midterms are finally over so the next chapter should come out sometime next week, there's two more until the fic is over ahhhh!  
> 


	4. Reckless, Wild Youth

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> “And if you’re still bleeding, you’re the lucky ones  
> ‘Cause most of our feelings, they are dead and they are gone”  
> -Youth by Daughter

**“Shadows settle on the place, that you left”**

After what seems like forever, Mark finally pushes himself out of his thoughts, and off the snow covered grass. He feels a shiver run down his spine, but he’s too numb to feel the cold at this point. To be honest, the dorm is the last place he wants to go right now, a constant reminder of all the events that just happened. But it’s already 4:00 am and Mark is about to fall asleep on the side of the road.

**“Our minds are troubled by the emptiness”**

Mark somehow finds his way back to the door, his feet caring him soullessly. His brain is too busy swirling with the words Donghyuck left him with. ‘ _ Does any of this even matter?’ ‘nothing lasts forever anyway,’ ‘you can’t break what's already broken.’  _ Mark wonders if Donghyuck meant all of it. He can’t stop the feeling like it’s all over, that Donghyuck will never give him another chance. And Mark doesn’t blame him, he shouldn’t get one.

**“Destroy the middle, it's a waste of time”**

But Mark doesn’t want to give up, he can’t let himself lose something that means the world to him. He wants to make it up to him, to show him that he doesn’t want things to end. He just hates that it took him so long to figure out. He hates that the saying ‘you don’t know what you have until it’s gone’ is true.

**“From the perfect start to the finish line”**

Mark wants to tell Hyuck everything. How he feels about him, how he’s always felt about him. But it’s a never ending nightmare and the more Mark tries to leave to wake up, the worse things get.  He enters the front door of his dorm, ready to collapse on his bed, only when he opens the door to his room, he sees Jonny sitting on his bed waiting for him. All of Mark's instincts tell him to turn around, close the door, and go anywhere that’s not here. But he knows Johnny wouldn’t let Mark get away so easily, and he’s too tired and cold to leave. 

“Mark do you have any idea what time it is? Where were you all night? What were you doing? What the hell were you thinking?” Johnny scoots over, making room for Mark to sit on the bed with him. 

“I was at the park.” 

“ _The_ _park_? All night? You were at the park until this late?” All Mark can do is nod. He doesn’t want to tell Johnny about what happened with Donghyuck, he doesn’t want Johnny to hate him too. 

“Mark, what the hell were you doing at the park? It’s below freezing outside, what if you get sick?” He shrugs, hoping Johnny will just leave soon. He knows it’s wishful thinking, Johnny wouldn’t leave without an answer. Mark just wants to cry and go to sleep so he gives Johnny what he wants. 

“You really want to know what I was doing at the park? I was screwing up everything like usual. He  _ hates _ me now Johnny, he already did but now I can’t fix it. I like him  _ so  _ much man, it's been years and I still can’t tell him. Even when he walked away, even when he lost his patience with me and left. I couldn’t even tell him then.” He feels the tears streaming down his cheeks, not even trying to hide them anymore. 

“Woah Mark, calm down. What happened? Are you talking about Donghyuck?” Mark nods, leaning back until his back hits the mattress. 

He tells Johnny what happened, his talk with Donghyuck, how he left afterward. After he finishes telling his story, he hears Johnny sigh. He knew he would be disappointed in him, he’s such a terrible person. Mark closes his eyes. He can’t bear to look Johnny in the eyes. 

“Mark…” He waits for Johnny to continue. He waits for Johnny to tell him how much he screwed up, how he’s a horrible person, how it’s Mark’s fault and he doesn’t deserve the people he has around him. All he does is hurt them, disappoint them. 

“I’m not going to say that what you did is right. You did mess up. But Mark, don’t let hyuck push you away. I mean give him some space, but don’t give up on him. If you love him, prove it to him. Don’t let him run away. You both deserve to be happy.”

“What if he gives up Johnny? What if-” Mark doesn’t get to finish his sentence. 

“Donghyuck may be stubborn, he may seem like he hates you right now, but I know that kid. He’ll come around eventually, just give him time Mark. Please.” With that, Johnny stood up, and left his room. Leaving Mark alone, cold, and with too much to think about. 

Mark knows that Johnny is right, he’s always right. This time Mark isn’t going to run away, he’s going to tell Donghyuck how he feels, he’s going to fix everything before they’re broken for good. He’s done being scared, being a coward, hiding, running away. This time he’s going to do things right even if Hyuck pushes him away. 

Mark decides to make a plan, a way to get Donghyuck back. He pulls out his journal he usually writes his lyrics in and makes a list.

  1. Give Hyuck some space
  2. Apologize again
  3. Confess your feelings 



That’s a pretty simple list right? He should be able to do that without messing it up. All he has to do is tell the truth and not say anything stupid. The list makes him feel a little bit better, that all hope isn’t lost. That if he sticks to the plan he might have a chance.  He drifts off to sleep, his plan running through his head a thousand times. Going through all the things he could say, what he should and what he shouldn’t. Maybe he’ll do it right this time. For the first time in a while, he’s able to go to sleep, and it’s a little easier to breathe. 

  
  


**“And if you're still breathing, you're the lucky ones, cause most of us are heaving through corrupted lungs”**

___

Mark expects Donghyuck to be mad at him, to try and annoy Mark or make him angry. What he doesn’t expect is for Donghyuck to ignore him completely, for him to pretend like nothings wrong while not even sparing Mark a glance. 

He hates to admit it but this feels so much worse than Donghyuck trying to mess with him. In fact, he would take that over this real life ghosting. But what really makes Mark upset is that Donghyuck seems to be spending all of his time with Taeil.  The first time he noticed was during practice. Hyuck would not leave Taeil’s side, being really close and clingy the whole time. Mark would be lying if he said this didn’t make him upset. He wasn’t… jealous though. He was just mad that Hyuck was ignoring him. Yeah. Definitely not because he was paying too much attention to someone else. 

Mark starts noticing them hanging out all the time, stuck to each other's side.  _ Since when did they become this close? _ When their dance practice was over, everyone tiredly dragged themselves back home. Donghyuck was still clung next to Taeil the entire way to their dorm. But eventually, Taeil went to his own room, and Mark took the opportunity to get him alone. He knows that it hasn’t been long since their fight, but what’s the point in waiting now?

“Hyuck, can we… talk?” Donghyuck looked up at him from his phone, the background music of candy crush filling the silence. He didn’t say anything, just stared up expectantly at Mark who was leaning on his door. Mark took it as a sign to continue. 

“I- I’m sorry.” Mark has so much he wants to say to Donghyuck, but for some reason, none of what he’s been thinking the past couple of days comes out. He had so much he wanted to explain, but with Donghyuck here staring at him, all the words flew out the window. 

“We’ve already had this conversation, Mark.” Donghyuck looks back down at his phone, resuming his game. Mark knows that Hyuck wants him to leave, he doesn’t want to argue with Mark again. Mark doesn’t want that either. He’s so tired of this, he just wants him back.

“Hyuck, you mean everything to me, I know I screwed up, that I took you for granted. I know I don't deserve you back, and that you have a right to be mad. But I can’t lose you, I can’t have you hate me forever.” He sees the surprise in Donghyuck’s face like he wasn’t expecting such a blunt answer from Mark. 

“You won’t lose me, Mark. It’s just things won’t be the same. Things won’t be like how they used to. I don’t want to keep chasing after you when you never even look back. I’m tired of loving you when you don’t love me back.” Him and Donghyuck have never really acknowledged their feelings towards each other, even when themselves and everyone around them already knew. It feels like the biggest secret was just told even though it wasn’t a secret to begin with.

It feels scary. But what’s scarier is that Donghyuck thinks that Mark doesn’t love him. He doesn’t think he’s ever loved anyone like he loves Donghyuck. And for once Mark finally wants to speak up and tell him.

“Donghyuck you’re wrong, I-” He gets cut off before he can finish his sentence. 

“But it’s okay Mark, you don’t have to apologize anymore. Things won't be the same but you won’t lose me, Mark. I’m over it, I’ve moved on. Because I-” Donghyuck takes a breath, making Mark anticipate his next words. 

_ Maybe he’s over our fight, maybe he’s forgiven me and moved on. Maybe we can finally go back to being Mark and Donghyuck, to being best friends. Maybe I’ll finally get the chance to tell him how I really feel.  _

**“And if you're still bleeding, you're the lucky ones”**

But then Hyuck lets out a sigh, sounding so defeated. He feels a strange feeling creep up into his chest. It’s the kind when things get really quiet during a scary movie. When you know something bad is waiting to happen, when the jump scare is just around the corner, you just can’t see it coming. 

  
  


**“Cause most of our feelings, they are dead and they are gone”**

“I- I don’t love you anymore.”

__

  
  


It seemed the world had it out for Mark today. After last night's events, his mood was already terrible. He had left Donghyucks room, trying so hard not to cry in front of him. He was just about to tell Donghyuck that he loved him back, that he wasn’t scared anymore. But now Mark is really too late, he’s given up on Mark, he doesn’t love him anymore. 

When he got back to his own room he couldn’t sleep at all. Which wasn’t good at all because they had practice early the next morning. And once he actually got tired and began to fall asleep, he only had less than an hour before he had to wake up again.  He woke up to someone violently shaking him, borderline screaming his name. He shot up, looking at Johnny who looked very stressed. It was already 7:17 and he had to be at practice in 13 minutes. 

“Oh my god Mark you’re finally up. I tried to wake you up for like half an hour but you wouldn’t wake up. You better hurry if you want to make it to practice before our choreographer gets there." Mark immediately threw the blankets off of himself at the last words Johnny said. Their choreographer was super nice, but they did not tolerate people being late. Mark really didn’t want to get scolded so he got ready as fast as he could. 

Getting to their practice room took about 10 minutes if he ran, so he had approximately 2 minutes and 47 seconds before he had to get out of the door. After throwing on whatever he could find, slipping on his shoes, and grabbing his bag, he took off running to the company. Only half way there he realized his shoe was untied, and when he was about to stop to tie it, he stepped and tripped over it. Into a big puddle of water. 

So Mark ends up coming to the studio 10 minutes late, soaked in water. He thought today couldn’t get any worse, but when he enters, his choreographer glares at him, and Mark knows he’s done for. 

“Mark see me after practice today.” Mark visibly deflates, it was only ten minutes, but now he’s going to get scolded. He walks down to the bathroom to switch his soaked clothes with some spare ones he has in his bag when he hears Donghyuck and Jaehyun talking in one of the extra rooms. Mark honestly wasn’t going to eavesdrop on their conversation, but he hears his name come up in their conversation. 

“But you love Mark.” _ ‘I- I don’t love you anymore _ .’ The words replay in Mark's head over and over again. The next words leaving Hyucks mouth proof to what he was already thinking. 

“Do I Jaehyun? What if I just don’t anymore.”

“So then you love Taeil?”  _ Taeil?  _ What does this have to do with Taeil? Donghyuck doesn’t love Taeil, not in like,  _ that way…  _ right? 

“Well, of course, I love Taeil b-” Mark decides he’s had enough of listening, his heart breaking on the way to the bathroom. He finally moved on just when Mark wanted him back. After he changes, he makes his way back to the studio, ignoring Johnny's concerned look he gave him when he walked in.  They start practice after that, and Mark is genuinely trying his best, but with everything going wrong today his mind just isn’t in the right place. His timing was way off, bumping into people while he danced. Especially when he sees Hyuck and Taeil in the mirror giving each other looks while dancing. 

“Mark, what is with you today? Don’t you think it’s a little too much? Being late and now you can’t even focus on dancing. You’re getting the dance all wrong.” Usually, Mark wouldn’t take it too seriously, knowing it’s out of concern. But he looks up and finds it’s Taeils voice that’s scolding him. 

He knows that that’s normal, he’s older than him, and he’s not even wrong. Mark is messing up a lot and he’s not focused. But the conversation he overheard earlier replays in his mind and he feels himself getting angry.  _ “Of course I love Taeil.”  _ Donghyuck loves Taeil. He moved on from Mark and now he loves someone else. 

“Just leave me alone, hyung.” And maybe it’s the horrible day he’s had already, maybe it’s what he overheard, maybe it’s that Mark got like 20 minutes of sleep and that he’s already been snappy all day that he’s being unreasonable towards Taeil. He’s really hoping he’ll do what he says, and just leave Mark be. 

“Hey don’t talk to me like that. You’re the one messing up here, I’m just concerned as to what’s wrong. You’ve been acting so different lately.” Mark abruptly stands up, not really wanting to be told off right now. He’ll hear it all later when the choreographer tells him off for being late. 

He pushes past Taeil, to leave, but Taeil is grabbing his wrist pulling him back. “What is going on?.” He wants to explain why he’s being so dumb, but he knows he’ll just spill what he heard earlier and make things way more complicated than they have to be. He tried to pull his hand out of Taeils, but he just tightened his grip.  Mark’s not really thinking straight, and he thinks that’s why his other arm comes up on instinct to push Taeil away from him. Except the little push actually turns into a shove, making Taeil take a few steps back. 

“Mark what the hell, what are you doing.” It’s not Taeil who asks him this, but Donghyuck. Mark wasn’t really too mad before, but he is now. Was Hyuck coming to defend Taeil? To tell Mark not to hurt the one he really loves? 

“Nothing hyuck, just stay out of this.” He wants to be mad, and he is. But not at Taeil, not at Donghyuck, but himself. He knows that he's the only one to blame. He doesn’t know who to take his anger out on. He can’t really take it out on himself, and after he’s been bottling it all up, it’s starting to overflow. 

“Don’t tell me what to do, we both know this is about us, leave the others out of this.” 

“I’ve been trying to keep things between us, but I can’t anymore. I just want to fix this, but you're making things so hard.”

“You’re the one making things hard Mark. I told you I was over it so why aren’t you. You broke everything, you smashed it into tiny little pieces and now you’re trying to glue them back together.”

“Why do I feel like I’m the only one trying? We can’t keep pretending to be friends. We can’t, it’ll affect everyone, it already is.” He looks around at the group members, everyone watching them with wide eyes. He’s surprised someone hasn’t come and stopped them yet. 

“That’s what you wanted Mark, you wanted to be friends. I really don’t understand what you’re trying to do here. Just leave others out of this Mark, why are you even mad at taeil.”

“I'm not.” Mark sighs, lowering his voice, taking a second to calm down before someone really does come stop them. “I’m not mad at him.”

“Then what is it? Why are you always causing a scene? Does it make you mad that I can have other friends? That I don’t revolve around you anymore? Does it make you angry that someone else will be a better friend than you?” 

“No”

“Then what Mark?”

“I’m jealous okay!? Is that what you wanted to hear?”

“Why would you be jealous?”

“Because I love you.”

He sees Donghyuck take a step back, taken back by Mark’s sudden words. The practice room becomes silent, everyone surprised by the confession. He felt everyone's eyes on him, embarrassment creeping up his neck. 

**And if you're in love, then you are the lucky one**

Did he really just say that out loud? Did he really just confess his feelings like that? In front of everyone? He sees the surprise in Donghyuck’s face, which turns into confusion, which turns into anger. Mark really didn’t have the right to say it like that. Not here. Not like that. If only you could go back in time and take it back. 

**'Cause most of us are bitter over someone**

He doesn’t regret what he said though, he meant it. He just wishes that he could’ve said it under different circumstances. It wasn’t the right time, it wasn’t how he wanted to say it. But now Hyuck knows, now everyone knows. 

**Setting fire to our insides for fun**

And everything comes crashing back down. Everyone watching him. Donghyuck looked at him with wide eyes. And it all becomes too much. All the eyes staring into his, the confused, concerned gazes. 

**To distract our hearts from ever missing them**

He sees Johnny walking towards him, as well as Jaehyun. The room suddenly seems really small and he feels like he’s going to be sick. He really wants to leave, he doesn’t want to know what they want to say to him. So he does. 

**But I'm forever missing him**

He turns around and runs out of the practice room. He hears Johnny yell after him, but he doesn’t stop running. He hears someone chasing after him, but he doesn’t slow down. He hears Donghyuck's voice calling his name, but he doesn’t stop. 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


____

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Mark's lungs burn, gasping for air after running so hard. He feels really dizzy from the lack of sleep and food. He looks behind him, an empty street filling his view.  _ God, what did I just do?  _ He’d wanted to say it for so long, and he expected the weight of the secret to be taken off his shoulders. But it felt like he had everything in the world weighing down on him. 

He wanted to confess but not like that. Not when he was being immature and causing a scene. Not when he had spent the whole day being petty and snappy with everyone. He wanted to say it when it felt right, when hyuck had forgiven him a little bit and it wasn’t so soon. There were too many emotions that both of them were feeling.

He wanted to bring Hyuck to the park, to confess his feelings, just the two of them. It would remind him of the good times they’ve had, that all they had been through was worth it. That it could work out between the two of them. It wasn’t supposed to be in the middle of a fight, or in front of literally everyone. 

Now there’s no way he can escape it. He can’t lie to everyone now, they all know the truth. Now he can’t lie to himself, he’s backed himself into a corner and he’s surrounded. There’s nowhere for him to hide anymore.

He feels hands press into his shoulders, surprising him out of his thoughts. He looks back to see who it is, but before he can process what’s happening he feels a hard push, and the next thing he knows he’s on the ground. 

“What the hell Mark.” He looks up from the ground to see who it is. He’s met with Donghyuck’s eyes, so intense with anger he has to look away. He knew once the words tumbled out of his mouth that Hyuck would be upset. 

“Donghyuck, why are you here.”  _ Why did you come after me?  _ His hands sting from the harsh contact with the cement. Mark stands up, brushing the dirt and dust off of his hands and pants. The second Mark is back up on his feet, Donghyuck takes a few steps forward, making Mark take a couple back. 

_ “ _ Mark, why would you say that? Aren’t you done playing with me? Haven't you had enough? That was too far Mark, you can’t just say stuff like that.” Donghyuck takes another step closer, his hand coming to Mark's chest to push him back with every word. It’s not strong enough to hurt him, but each little shove feels like a punch to his heart. 

“Hyuck calm down.” He grabs Donghyuck’s arms, feeling the younger struggle to get out of his grip. The words he said prove to be ineffective, as it only makes Donghyuck angrier. It’s getting harder to hold Donghyuck. 

“And then you just run away afterward? Leaving me to deal with everyone’s curious gazes and questions like I know what’s going on. If this is some sick joke it’s not funny Mark. Is this because of what I said? That I don’t love you anymore? Does it make you so angry that I don’t need you anymore that you have to lie to me?” Donghyuck finally gets out of Mark's hold, hands coming back to his chest to push him again. 

“I wasn’t lying Hyuck, I didn’t want to say it like that, not there, but I wasn’t lying.” He feels Donghyuck's hands stop before he can shove him again, pulling them back. He knows Donghyuck doesn’t know what to think, doesn’t know whether Mark is telling the truth or not. 

“Mark please stop. Just tell me you’re lying and stop hurting me like this. Loving you hurts so bad and every time I try to leave you pull me right back. Can’t you just let me go?”

“Am I selfish for not wanting to let you go? I finally realize what I have right in front of me, I can’t let it go. Not again. I don’t want us to keep running away. I’m sorry that it took me so long to tell you. I’m sorry that I pushed you away because I was too afraid to face what I was feeling. It wasn’t fair to you, to me, to anyone. I know you don’t love me anymore, I know that I’m not ready to let you go. But you can let me go, I know you love Taeil so you can let me-”

He feels Donghyuck crash into him, pulling him into a hug. He’s holding on so tight he’s shaking. It’s like holding a bunch of sand in your hands, making sure it won't slip between your fingers. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> things get better...but for how long? 
> 
> I'm not too sure how this chapter turned out. It was supposed to end when Mark ran away but I kept writing anyway. for the most part, the rest of the story should take place in Hyucks pov. I might show some of his thoughts in this chapter next time, like his talk with jaehyun, or when he said he didn't love mark, etc.  
> hope you guys enjoyed it!!


	5. I Just Never Know

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Cause who am I to be in love  
> When your love never is for me"  
> -8 by Billie Eilish

Donghyuck was angry. No, he was  _ fuming.  _ Mark had been acting weird all day, and no matter how much he wanted to ignore it, he couldn’t. The way he had walked into the studio with dark bags under his eyes, he looked so tired. Hyuck almost had felt bad for him. Until he started yelling at Taeil, and then at him.  And Mark has to make it all worse by telling Hyuck that he ‘loves him.’ He feels the anger bubbling up instantly. Mark can’t just throw those words around and in front of everyone. The words he had been waiting to hear since the first year they met each other. He wanted to believe that Mark had meant them, but he was done kidding himself.

He was also done with Mark throwing his feelings aside, walking over them. He had let Mark get away with so much over the years, he had always waited for Mark to apologize, already forgiving him before Mark even got the chance. This time, he wouldn’t let Mark get away with it. So when Mark turns around and bolts out the door, he runs after him.

He wants to punch Mark, and he kind of does, shoving him after hearing all his excuses, his lies about what he said. But then Hyuck realizes something.  _ Mark’s not lying. _ And for some reason that makes him even angrier. 

After all this time, it had to be now. This should’ve been the moment he's been hoping for, but it just felt wrong. He doesn’t trust Mark, he doesn’t know if Mark means it or not. What if he gets bored of him? Or they end up in the same place again, where Mark starts to drift away?  If they were in a relationship and everything happened again, it would be so much more painful. Having a bit of what you want just for it to be taken away again. You can’t lose what you’ve never had, and Donghyuck wants to keep it that way. 

“Mark please stop. Just tell me you’re lying and stop hurting me like this. Loving you hurts so bad and every time I try to leave you pull me right back. Can’t you just let me go?” He had finally started to let go of Mark, letting himself find comfort in other people, not thinking about him every waking moment. And right when he wants to stop, Mark wants to start. 

“Am I selfish for not wanting to let you go? I finally realize what I have right in front of me, I can’t let it go. Not again. I don’t want us to keep running away. I’m sorry that it took me so long to tell you. I’m sorry that I pushed you away because I was too afraid to face what I was feeling. It wasn’t fair to you, to me, to anyone. I know you don’t love me anymore, I know that I’m not ready to let you go. But you can let me go, I know you love Taeil so you can let me-” 

_ He knows I…. love Taeil?  _ Is this what Mark meant when he said he was jealous? Does he think that Hyuck feels the same way about Taeil that he felt about Mark? He loved everyone in his group, but no one will quite compare to Mark, and no one ever will.  The sad broken look in Mark’s eyes makes him go crazy, and with all the things that Mark just said, Hyuck realizes something. He can’t let Mark go this time. They both want the same thing, they both want each other and literally nothing is stopping them right now. Mark finally wants him and he can’t just throw this moment away. 

He cuts off Mark's sentence before he can finish, pulling him into a hug, because  _ I’ll never be able to let you go.  _ “Mark, why are you so stupid?” It seems to bring Mark out of his shocked state, as he feels Mark’s arms reach up to wrap hesitantly around his waist. “Donghyuck I don’t-” Mark starts, confusion lacing his voice. “You’re literally the most, stupid, idiotic, dumb, oblivious dork I have ever seen. Why do I like you?” 

“You like me?” Mark asks, and Donghyuck gives him his best ‘you’re kidding, right’ face. “I mean, what about Taeil? I heard you and Jaehyun talking and you said that you loved him. I thought maybe you didn’t like me anymore.” 

“Mark, Jaehyun was asking me how I felt about you. He asked me if I loved Taeil, and of course I do, but no one will ever make me feel the way that you do.” Donghyuck says, and Mark sighs a breath of release. 

“I was really worried. I want to be the only one that you love.” Donghyuck knows it is cheesy, but all of Mark’s words are overwhelming, and he can’t help the couple of tears that escape from his eyes. He sees Mark’s hand come up to his face wiping away a tear that ran down his cheek. 

“Stop crying, I don’t want to make you cry again,” Mark says, continuing to brush away the tears falling from Hyucks face. “Shut up, and hug me.” Mark complies, hands go down to wrap around his waist again, pulling him closer than before. Donghyuck curls his head into Mark's neck, and he thinks that he could stay like this forever.

  
  
  


___ 

  
  
  
  


That night Johnny says he’ll treat everyone to dinner. Donghyuck was really tired, but who would pass up an opportunity for free food? He got in their car, along with a few other members, and went to a barbeque restaurant. 

When they got there, Hyuck was quick to steal a seat next to Mark before someone else could. The only thing is that on Mark’s other side was Yuta. He really didn’t want to be jealous but a part of him  _ reaaallly  _ wished that Yuta was sitting on the other side of the table, maybe a whole different table, or even a whole different restaurant. 

At one point, he had to go to the bathroom, and as he was on his way there, a stranger tried hitting on him, which was beyond awkward, but besides that, the dinner was going well. Jaehyun and taeil barbequed for everyone while the rest chatted amongst themselves. Mark had at one point grabbed his hand under the table, making Donghyuck more flustered than he would let him know. They were all slightly buzzed, warmth from both the alcohol and Mark’s hand filling his senses.

**“So I think I better go”**

He’s having a good time until he sees Yuta lean over to Mark, whispering something in his ear. Mark then looks over to Hyuck, back to Yuta, and lets go of Hyuck's hand. He gives him an apologetic smile and whispers an ‘i'll be back’ before Yuta grabs him by the wrist and pulls him towards the front door of the restaurant. 

**“I never really know how to please you”**

All the red alarms were going off in his mind, every instinct wanting to follow them and see what they were doing. He wanted to trust Mark, that nothing would happen, but he had a really bad feeling pit in his stomach. 

**“You're looking at me like I'm see through”**

After a couple of minutes passed, he excused himself to the bathroom, slipping out the front doors where Mark and Yuta had walked out of. The cold air made him shiver, his jacket left in the restaurant. He looked down the street but didn’t see Mark or Yuta anywhere.  _ They didn’t leave, did they? _ They wouldn’t leave without telling anyone, so Hyuck continued to wander around the building until he saw two familiar figures standing in a little alley behind the restaurant. 

He’s about to go up to them and ask them what they're doing out here, but his question is answered before he even takes another step closer. He sees Yutas hands wrapped around Mark's waist, pulling him into a kiss. 

**“I guess I'm gonna go”**

Donghyuck freezes up. Everything seems to go in slow motion, almost like time stopped. He can hear his heart beating in his ears, the voice in his head screaming to turn around and walk away, but he can’t move his feet. His breathing picks up, everything going out of focus. 

**“I just never know how you feel”**

He hears what sounds like Mark’s voice calling out his name, walking towards him. That seems to make his legs work again, as he starts running back to the restaurant. When he enters, he sees all the members look up at him with concern written all over their faces. 

“Hey, are you okay?” He hears Jaehyun ask him. He nods but doesn’t sit back down. He grabs his jacket and his phone and goes to leave the restaurant, hoping no one stops him. When he turns towards the door, he sees Mark walking in, looking slightly out of breath. Seeing Mark makes Hyuck bubble with anger, and he blames that for his next actions. He makes eye contact with Mark as he walks over to the stranger who hit on him earlier, and pulled him into a kiss. He hears his members gasp, and then feels a hand on his shoulder, pushing him away from the guy. He was pushed pretty hard as his back hit a wall, knocking the wind out of him for a moment. 

He’s faced with a very pissed off Mark, covering his way out with his two arms. He would feel bad about the whole situation if he hadn’t seen the same thing just a few minutes earlier. “Donghyuck what the hell?” Mark shouts, the volume of his voice making Donghyuck a little scared. He’s never seen Mark this mad before.

Donghyuck can’t stand to deal with everything anymore, so he pushes past Mark, a little harder than necessary, and walks out of the restaurant.

  
  


**_“Do you even feel anything?”_ **

  
  
  
  
  
  


Donghyuck has been walking for only about two minutes when he feels someone grab his wrist and turn him around. His first instinct is that some stranger is trying to grab him, so the first thing he does is punch them right in the face. Only the pained sound the stranger makes is really familiar but Donghyuck's eyes are too blurry with tears to tell who it is. He feels a little guilty about punching the familiar stranger.

“Okay, I guess I deserved that.” That voice sounds a lot like Mark’s. Suddenly all the guilt is gone and Donghyuck has an urge to punch him again. He knows that he doesn’t really want to hit Mark, but he blames the alcohol still in his system when he takes another weak swing at him. Mark easily catches his fist, his grip tightening around Hyucks struggling arms. 

“Hyuck calm down.”  _ Calm down?  _ Mark knows what just happened and he wants him to be calm? Donghyuck stops struggling and looks Mark dead in the eye. “Let me go, Mark.” His voice comes out oddly empty and cold even to his own ears. He sees Mark loosen his grip, but not let go completely like he’s trying to stop Donghyuck from walking away.

Which is exactly what he does, harshly yanking his hands out of Marks. He turns around to walk away when he hears Mark call out his name again, footsteps trailing after his. When he doesn’t stop, he feels Marks hand wrap around his wrist again, twisting him around. “Mark I swear to god you better let go before I punch you again.” Mark lets go, and this time he doesn’t walk away, knowing Mark would only chase after him again.

“Why did you kiss that guy?” Mark blurs out, making Donghyuck scoff. This was not the conversation that he wanted to have, not appreciating Mark making it sound like he’s in the wrong here. Not that he’s in the right because he’s going to have to do extensive apologizing to everyone tomorrow. But to make himself feel better Mark did do it first. 

“Hyuck I’m sorry, what happened- I know you won’t believe me- well it is my fault, but... Well, it's just-'' Mark sputters in an attempt to explain. “Listen, Mark, I really don’t care about whatever lame excuse you’re trying to pull out of your ass. I’m so tired Mark. I’m so tired of loving you. Do you see how I feel now? Did seeing me kiss that guy make you realize what it feels like to love you? I don’t want to anymore. It hurts. I just don’t want to hurt anymore.” Mark looks at him with the most guilty eyes and Hyuck just wants to leave.

He turns around, continuing down the empty street, the sound of footsteps no longer trailing behind him. 

  
  


____

  
  


He really didn’t want to go back to his dorm, so instead, he takes a detour to the dream dorm. He figured it would be better if he stayed there, that way Mark can’t talk to him. Speaking of, he hears his phone go off, notifications from Mark flooding in. Not wanting to talk or even think about Mark, he shuts his it off. 

He finally reached the dream dorm, opening the front door and walking in. When he first enters, he doesn’t see anyone, so he makes his way to Jaemin's room, figuring that they had already gone to sleep. As he thought, when he walks in he sees Jaemin on his bed, aimlessly scrolling on his phone. Jaemin takes one look at him and instantly gets up on his feet, pulling him into a bone crushing hug. 

“What did he do?” Jaemin says, not sounding surprised. Maybe Jaemin knew that Mark was a bad idea, he should’ve told him to stay away, he should have warned him. He starts crying, unable to form words through his sporadic breathing.

After Donghyuck calms down and explains what happened earlier, Jaemin immediately reaches for his phone, and Donghyuck has to actually tackle him in order to stop him from messaging Mark. “Jaemin you can’t message him.” He says as he hastily pulls Jaemin's phone from his hands. 

“Why not? I’ll get Jeno and Renjun, we’ll beat him up.” Donghyuck sighs, knowing that if Jaemin could, he would probably actually do just that. After Jaemin calms down a little, Hyuck trusts him enough to hand his phone back. As much as Jaemin wanted to tell Mark off, he wouldn’t do something Hyuck was uncomfortable with. 

“I’m tired, can we just deal with this later?” He knows that it probably wasn’t very convincing, but Jaemin could tell he didn’t want him to talk about it any further. He knew he would run into Mark sooner or later, but he would avoid it for as long as he could. 

After Mark's confession, he had been sure that everything was worked out between them, but after that night's events, he realized he was wrong. Maybe it was for the best that this happened. It seems like everything Mark had told him was a lie. He didn’t love him, he probably just felt bad for him. In the end, he always seems to go to Yuta, and each time Donghyuck tries to come back, things only get worse. 

This time will be different though, he knows that he can’t go back to Mark. He was always unsure of what Mark thought, pushing him away one moment, and then letting him hold his hand when it was just the two of them. So many mixed signals and Hyuck could never tell if Mark loved him or hated him. And when Mark had told him that he loved him he was so sure that he was telling the truth. Maybe he was. 

  
  
  
  


_ Maybe Mark did love me. Maybe he just didn’t love me enough.  _

  
  


___

  
  
  


Donghyuck wakes up to an alarm blaring in his ears as he searches for his phone to turn it off. Only when he finds his phone, he realizes it's not an alarm, but a call. A call from Mark. He stared at his phone until the call ended, pulling his attention to his notification screen, with messages from his members and what seemed like a thousand text and missed calls from Mark. 

Donghyuck doesn't bother looking at them, turns his ringer off, and throws his phone on the bed with full intentions of it staying there for the rest of the day. He leaves the room, going to the kitchen to look for some food. Instead he finds Jaemin, with a bunch of unhealthy snacks, blankets, and pillows on the couch.

“Wanna watch something?” Jaemin pulls out his old laptop, pulling up some old show on Netflix. This was Jaemins way of distracting him from his thoughts about Mark, and a way to comfort him. He’s really glad that he has a friend like this, someone he can rely on no matter what. Sometimes he wishes that his crush could be on Jaemin rather than Mark. But his stupid brain still loves Mark even after all he’s put him through.

  
  


The sun has already set and they’re halfway through the third season of the show when Jaemin turns to say something to him. “Hyuck.” He doesn’t look up at Jaemin, still focusing on the show, but he lets out an ‘mmm’ to signify that he’s listening. 

“You know, Johnny texted me earlier… he said that it isn’t Mark's fault. He said that Yuta had too much to drink and kissed Mark without asking him and that Mark was pretty angry after everything happened. I’m not saying what he did was right, but maybe you should think about it before shutting him out completely. Maybe give him a chance to explain things.”

Donghyuck turns to look at Jaemin in surprise, not expecting that at all. Knowing that it wasn’t Mark who kissed Yuta made him feel guilty. Was he too harsh with Mark? But he also feels like if he were to go back to Mark, he would always wonder if one day he would get sick of him and push him away as he did before. He doesn’t want to get hurt again.

Jaemins phone starts ringing, Jaehyun’s name displayed at the top of his screen. Jaemin answers the phone, and he hears a few muffled sentences before Jaemin turns to him, holding out the phone. “It’s for you.” Donghyuck hesitantly takes the phone, not really sure why Jaehyun would call.

“Donghyuck? Where is your phone? Haven’t you been getting any of my messages?” Jaehyun sounds really worried, making Donghyuck feel a little guilty. 

“Oh sorry, I haven’t really looked at my phone today.” He hears jaehyun sigh, tone softening a little bit. 

“It’s fine it doesn’t really matter now. Have you heard from Mark? Ever since last night, he’s been acting really strange and I know something was going on between you two and then the thing with Yuta. Anyways, we thought that maybe he just needed some time alone but he’s been gone ever since like 10 this morning and hasn’t been back since.” Donghyuck pulls the phone away from his face, checking the time on the screen. It was already a little past midnight, which means Mark has been god knows where for like  _ fourteen hours _ . 

“No, I haven’t seen him since last night.” He hears Jaehyun sigh again, making Donghyuck feel increasingly more panicked every minute.

“If you hear from him or find him let us know. He isn’t answering his phone. By the way, Yuta feels really bad about what he did. He hasn’t stopped crying since. It doesn’t really make any of it better, but just know that both Mark and Yuta didn’t mean for any of this to happen.”

Donghyuck had already figured this, part of him wanting to forgive Mark immediately. And if he’s being honest, he has forgiven Mark already. That’s not to say that he’ll go back to him though, he just knows Marks not entirely to blame. He doesn’t really trust Mark yet. 

Jaehyun says goodbye and they end the call. As much as Donghyuck wants to pretend that he's not too concerned with Mark, he can’t stop wondering if he’s okay, and why he’s being so stupid. He hands the phone back to Jaemin, going to check his phone that he left on the bed that morning. When he turns the screen on he's met with a bunch of messages from Jaehyun and his members, as well as a bunch from Mark. Most were from last night, but the most recent one catches his eye. 

  
  


_ 10:08  _

can we talk?

please?

_ 10:25 _

hyuck

_ 10:31 _

i’ll be at our spot

  
  


Donghyuck puts his phone in his pocket, grabs his coat, and makes his way to the front door. Jaemin stops him before he can leave. “Hey what did Jaehyun want to talk to you about?” He asks curiously. 

“Mark’s being an idiot and left the dorms without telling anyone where he was going,” Hyuck said, going to turn the doorknob. “So where are you going then?” He says, closing the door that he had just opened. 

“He might’ve told me where he is, but I think his phone died or something because he won't answer my calls and has been out for 14 hours like an idiot.” He says, opening the door again, walking out before anyone else can stop him. 

  
  
  
  


To be honest, the second Donghyuck had found out the truth about the situation with Yuta, he had forgiven Mark. He wanted to be the petty person he was and let Mark suffer the silent treatment for a bit, but after Mark being an idiot like usual, it made him realize he really doesn’t. As much as he wants Mark to, he doesn’t  _ really  _ deserve it.

He doesn’t really know what Mark will say, or how their talk will end, but the second he reaches the park and sees the familiar hoodie sitting on the playground he forgets the nervous feeling that was once consuming him. Instead, he quietly climbs up to the top of the playground and sits next to Mark. 

A couple of minutes pass before one of them talks. “You came,” Mark states, the tiredness in his voice almost hiding his surprised tone. “Yeah.” Hyuck sighs out, not really sure how to respond. An unsettling silence settles around them until Donghyuck decides to start the conversation both of them have been waiting for.

“Mark, what are you doing here?” Hyuck sighs out. Mark looks really cold and tired and he just wants to make up and go home so he can wrap him up in blankets and they can go to sleep. “I kinda wanted to talk to you… didn’t you get my text?” Donghyuck can hear the slight waver in his voice. “Mark it's like below freezing out here and you’ve been here for so long. You look so cold, do you want to get sick? Why are you still waiting out here.” Hyuck says. 

“I thought that you weren’t going to show up, but then my phone died and I just kept thinking what if you came and I had left already and didn’t know?” Mark says, avoiding his eyes. “Listen, Mark, I’m sor-” 

“You don’t have to apologize. I’m the one in the wrong here. I messed things up and I shouldn’t let you apologize and try to fix them for me. I know I’m not the best with words and with the time I was sitting out here I planned what I was going to say to you but now I can’t remember anything.” Mark rambles out, not really breathing. 

“I’m so sorry for everything. I’m sorry that I let us drift, I’m sorry that I pushed you further and further away. I’m sorry that after all of that I tried to pull you back. I just think that I don’t deserve you. You’ve always been there for me even when I wasn’t always there for you, and I will forever be thankful for that. It's just, it's just that you scare me so much and I never know what to do. You make my heart race and I get a tingly feeling every time you look at me and I think I was just so scared of my feelings I pushed you away.” Mark picks his legs up from where they were previously dangling off the playground and faces himself towards Donghyuck. 

“And the second I actually get you I go and screw it all up again. The whole thing with Yuta, it was a misunderstanding and I know you won’t believe me but I promise you when I say I’ve never felt the way I feel about you with him. You are special, and I know that you can’t trust me now.”

“Mark that’s not, I- I know tha-”

“Hyuck, just,” Mark sighs. “Just let me finish. I promise I’m almost done and then I’ll go home so you don’t have to be here any longer. I know you can’t trust me now and I don’t really deserve your trust. Just know that I loved you this whole time but I could never tell you. And when I did, I did in the worst possible situation. Anyways, I’m sorry I messed all this up.” He feels Mark turn his head to look at him, but Hyuck can’t bring his eyes up from his feet. He didn’t know that Mark had felt this way the whole time. 

“I think that I can go back to normal, I think that I can be your friend again. I know with everything I’ve done you probably don’t want to be in a relationship with me. It’ll take some time for me to get over you, but I can’t lose you. If being friends is what keeps you with me I can do it. I’d do anything to keep you by my side.” He hears Mark's voice break towards the end of his speech. 

He’s not done processing all the information when he realizes that Mark wasn’t sitting next to him anymore, but was making his way down the steps of the playground to leave.  _ Oh no this isn’t what I wanted.  _ He wanted to tell Mark that he had forgiven him, that it wasn’t his fault and he knew that. He wanted to tell Mark that he doesn’t need to let him go, Donghyuck had already made up his mind to stay. So he doesn’t waste another second running down the steps of the playground, grabbing Marks's wrist and stopping him from leaving. 

“Hyuck I-” Mark starts, staring at him with wide eyes. 

“Mark wait. Don’t go.” He says, cutting him off. He hadn’t expected Mark’s confession, and definitely not expected him to get up and walk away. “What do you mean ‘friends’?” He said, still taking in everything Mark had said. Mark looks at him like he doesn’t know how to respond. 

“Mark I don’t want to be your friend.” It’s not a lie, but he can tell Mark took it the wrong when his shoulders visibly deflate. “Oh. Ok. I- I understand.” Mark chokes out, starting to walk away again. “Mark that’s not what I meant.” Mark stops in his tracks to turn and face Donghyuck. “I know that you didn’t kiss Yuta and I’m sorry that I didn’t give you a chance to explain. Mark I really don’t want to be your friend. I can’t be around you and  _ just  _ be your friend. I-”

“It’s okay Hyuck, I can give you space. I can… I can let you go. You don’t have to force yourself to be around me.” Mark says and Donghyuck can’t help but let out a frustrated sigh. “Mark it’s my turn so stop talking and just listen to what I’m trying to say.” He huffs out.

“I don’t want space, I don’t want you to let me go. Yeah, you messed up pretty bad over the last few, well,  _ years _ , but that doesn’t matter now. You aren’t scared anymore, I’m not scared anymore, you don’t push me away anymore. I don’t want to be stuck in the past Mark, I don’t want to hate you forever. And I can’t be your friend because every time I look at you I want to kiss you and that’s not very friend-like.” He can’t tell if the flush on Mark’s face is from his last comment or from the cold weather. 

Mark takes a few steps towards Donghyuck, now standing much  _ much _ closer than he was before. “If you don’t want to be friends, what do you want to be?” Mark says with confidence that definitely wasn’t there about 2 seconds ago. “Ummm well you know, not like friends- but more than that..? ” Hyuck hates the way he sounds so small. And under Marks stare, he feels like it too. 

Mark has a blank expression, and Donghyuck gets worried that maybe Mark had changed his mind. He’s about to take back what he said when he feels Marks's hand come up to his face, and Marks's lips on his. 

Before he even has time to kiss back, Mark is pulling away, ears bright red. “I really hope I read that moment right.” Mark awkwardly chuckles out. Donghyuck's brain has shut down and he doesn’t really know what to say, so instead, he wraps his arms around Mark’s neck and kisses him again. 

(That night Dongyuck and Mark go back to their dorm hand in hand. They quietly slip in the front door, each returning to their own rooms. 

Donghyuck lays down, knowing that it would take a while for sleep to catch up to him as he’s too busy thinking about everything that happened. Mark must be feeling the same because not even a minute later he gets a text. 

  
  


**Markie <3**

_ 1:46 _

  
  


come over?

That night he sneaks into Marks's room, slipping under the covers. When he wakes up with Mark still asleep, legs intertwined and an arm was thrown over his shoulder, he thinks  _ I could get used to this. _ ) 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> woah sorry this took so long
> 
> i ended up rewriting this 3 times with completely different plot lines ahh. this was supposed to be 2 chapters but i couldn’t find a good place to end it so that's why its like 5k. also this is very unedited so there might be mistakes, but I’ll probably go through and fix them eventually.  
> anyways that's it for my first fic! reading all the comments has been so fun and I'm so glad so many people have enjoyed the story. thanks for reading :))
> 
> I made a [cc](https://curiouscat.qa/kaikoko) so come yell at me :)


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